WHAT!

Communications

Over the last couple of months I have learnt several things about my accent causing problems communicating with other people.

For example the German girls I have met here do not understand all the words I say.

This can be very frustrating when you are trying to say something:

Me: That was a lovely piece of cake
Nina: ?
Me: Cake
Nina: ?
Me: cake you know caaake
Nina: ?
Me: Cake, Cake, Cake - Luke tell her
Luke: Cake
Nina: Ah cake!
Me: thats what I said!

Me: Are you going on a date?
Lisa: ?
Me: Date, Date DAAAAATE
Lisa: ?
Me: D A T E - Daaaaaate
Lisa: Ah date

Me: Xenia, Warrior Princess, How are you?
Xenia, Warrior Princess: ?
Me: What are you up to today
Xenia, Warrior Princess: ?
Me: Do you understand me?
Xenia, Warrior Princess: ?


The other thing that has been pointed out to me is that when us Nordies talk its like we are giving out to people - especially using the word 'what'.

Apparently when I say what I say it so fast and with such venom it is interpreted by other people as 'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!' I am going to have to make a concerted effort to say pardon rather than What! from now on. (lets face it I won't!)

GLOSSARY UPDATE
G
Grand Word used by Irish people to cover just about every feeling under the sun: See Awesome for similar use by Americans and Australians.

eg: How are you today?
I'm grand (Really means: I have a thunping hangover, now piss off)

How do I look in this?
You look grand (Really means: Your bum looks big in that)

What did you think of your shark diving?
It was grand (Really means: It was awesome)

Shark Project 29th Sep - 13th Oct

My third volunteer placement in S. Africa was on a shark cage diving boat. I was initially apprehensive about doing the volunteering. Not because I am afraid of sharks but because I wasn't sure just how eco friendly such an operation would be. I thought I am not sure if I agree with shark cage diving, but the only way to be sure is to actually do it..

I arrived at 7 in the morning and was immediately asked if I wanted to go straight out on one of the cage dives. I thought 'Does the pope shit in the woods? Is a bear Catholic?'. So I quickly got everything I needed and within half an hour we were scooting out to the sharks.

I had been told that the shark diving was great by people who I had met along the garden route but the sharks were slightly smaller than they expected - about 2 metres. I was also told that you may have to wait around a while before the sharks come. When we anchored it took about 5 minutes before a 3m shark came along - these things are big!

After taking lots of crap photos with my camera of sharks biting bait and the seal decoy it was my turn to go into the cage. I got changed and put on one of the wetsuits provided which was like getting into a combination straight-jacket/corset (not that I have done either!) I then put on boots, mask and a weight belt. Contrary to what people think, shark cage diving does not involve going down in full scuba gear 50 ft below the water. The cage is on the top of the surface and you just sit in it on above the water until a shark comes close, at which point you hold your breath and duck down into the water.

I struggled into the cage and sat there trying not to drown alongside 4 other people. Then the first shark came along and the crew shouted 'divers down at the front'. So down I went - only I did it too late to see the shark. For the next 10 mins everytime I was told to get down I did it too late: 'Down at the front', down I went - gone. 'Divers down left', down, gone. 'Divers down at the right' down, gone.

I was just about to give up entirely when I finally went down at the right moment and there it was passing the cage about 2 metres away. It was a fantastic view but for that particular dive it was about the only one I got. The visibility in the water meant that it was very hard to see sharks underwater. I got out of the cage and soon we were back on dry land.

That was over a week ago now but it seems like a lifetime. I have been out on the boat everyday except one as a volunteer crew hand. Its tough work but we have gotten great views of sharks every day and I have been down in the cage 2 more times. I am still trying to get that ultimate photo of the shark coming out of the water and I still haven't gotten a better view then the first day in the cage but I have 5 more days and a lot more boat trips before I leave.

This is what could happen when I am in the cage.



Cool eh!

Volunteer tasks:

As well as helping prepare the boat for each voyage and cleaning it down afterwards (which is quite tedious and exhausting) a volunteer gets to do some of the following tasks on the voyage:

Data collection which basically means taking photos of any distinguishing features of the fish and noting down size, sex etc. Usually reserved for long term volunteers (ie Kevin).

Helping people put on and take off their wet suits. The advantage of this is that you get to help some rather cute ladies on with their equipment. The disadvantage is that for every nice BBB you get to do you get 2 GGG's

Chumming: Not a weird sexual act but what you do to attract sharks to the boat. It involves mashing up large pieces of fish in a large plastic bin so that bits fall into the water. To do this you have to be right at the back of the boat on a platform that regularly gets submerged. You also have to get buckets of water from the sea to mix with the mashed fish so that it leaks out the side. Oh - one other thing you have to do when chumming is push away any sharks that decide to start biting the back of the boat!

Other tasks include: Helping put the cage into the water and helping retrieve it. Helping weigh anchor and Cutting up bait.

If after all that there is a chance to get in the cage you pop on a wetsuit and in ya go!

One other task that a volunteer has to do is go out and drink! I had thought that as you were having to work on a boat you would just be expected to sit in each night. Not on your nelly! I've been out just about every night to Gansbaai drinking in one establishment or the other. The days we haven't been out at bars we have been at peoples houses for braais. You still have to get up at 7 the next morning, go prepare the boat and then go out in 10 feet high swells so its not for people with a weak disposition!


Glossary Update:

A:
Awesome: Adjective: Really good, Fantastic Awesome is a word that seems to be used by Americans to describe anything from a nice sandwich to the Grand Canyon. The word should be reserved for things such as Shark Cage diving, swimming with dolphins, Skydiving or 3 in the bed sex with two super models. I've done one - only 3 to go!

Things I have learnt:

If you are going to throw up at sea ensure that you remove your false teeth first. Something one of the clients failed to do on one of the trips. His false teeth are probably being used by one of the sharks right now.

Always remember to put sunscreen on BEFORE you handle the shark bait and not after! Eau de fish.

Throwing a bucket of chum at somebody requires a technique which I obviously have not mastered - as the chum ended up all over me!

JA

Glossary Update:

J:
Ja: Afrikaan - yes.


One of the things that I have noticed is that white South Africans like to say the word Ja. In fact some of them seem to say it at the start, middle and end of sentences. Women especially seem to like saying the word and it got me to wondering if its because they use it when making love.

So picture a typical South African bedroom scene. The man is doing a bit of bareback riding and his good woman is yelling out:

Oh God JA! Oh God JA!
JA! JA!
JA! JA!
JA! JA!
JA! JA!
JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


Makes ja think.

South African Food

I have been in South Africa nearly 2 months now and have discovered all sorts of good and not so good things about the place on my travels.

Lets start with the second most important thing (after beer) Food.

South Africans love their meat. I have already mentioned the Braai which seems to be even more of an institution here than in Australia. (I have been kindly informed that braai day is on 24th Sep - so I can expect every household in Cape town to be out burning meat on that day)

As well as the usual chops, steaks and pork sausages they also like to do boerewors which are spicy sausages (quite nice). They also do potjiekos which are layered stews with the meat at the bottom (quite often venison of some sort - eg kudo) followed by various vegtables layered according to how long they take to cook.

They also have biltong which is dried meats - basically beef jerky but which can be from any animal - especially kudo and other antelope. I have not tried any yet. I will try to pluck up the courage before I leave.

But the best thing here when it comes to meat is their pies. Every supermarket, deli and even petrol station has a pie section and they are fantastic. As well as the usual Cornish pasties and mince beef you can get vegetarian (if you really want to!) and my favourite spicy chicken peri-peri. They also have the meatiest sausage rolls I have ever had. There is a pie place just outside Port Elizabeth which does venison pies and the best sausage rolls I have ever tasted. Mind you we did go there just after my 3 day vegetarian stint at Kariega so I think a rancid piece of leather would have tasted good!

All together now "Ray, you fat bastard, you fat bastard, you ate all the pies!"

Another staple food which basically sustained me in enkosini were rusks. Not farley rusks for babies but a type of dried bread which you dunked into your tea (to stop chipping a tooth).

Mealie Pap which is maize porridge is the most widely eaten food in South Africa and I had some at the boma (sort of traditional all-you-can-eat buffet) at Kariega. It is supposed to be very bland. I thought it was mashed potatoes and had so much kudo stew with it that I never really noticed any taste.

I have not eaten any seafood (because I don't) so I can't really tell you anything about it. I have also joined JBA - Jungle bars anonymous - it has now been 2 days since my last jungle bar - and counting!


Horse riding on beach: Kariega

Bag of shite (BABIES)

After the greyhound post I think a more upbeat post is required.

So here is a picture of Shadow, one of two wolf hybrids which are currently being kept at the DSPCA centre.



and here is a picture of Shadow and Me.






And here is a big bag of shite


Just to show what I have to pick up at the centre. I am going to miss it :-(

The Verb 'To Paddle'

From talking to people in Croatia nobody outside of Britain and Ireland seems to know what 'to have a paddle' means so I am going to explain!

Unlike the rest of the world people in Ireland (and the UK) do not have lovely warm water to swim in so instead of bathing when the water approaches bearable temperatures they have a paddle. Here are the usual steps:

1. Find a sandy beach or body of water with a gently slopping incline into it.

2. Take your shoes and socks off. In some places in Ireland it is advisable to place your socks in your shoes and tie your laces together in order to hang them round your neck. This is so noone can nick them while you are paddling!

3. Roll up your trousers tightly to just past the knee. This ensures your trousers stay up and your circulation is cut off to your toes.

4. Walk into the water followed quickly by running out of the water screaming "Jesus that's freezing". Repeat this action for 5 minutes until your feet are sufficiently numb.

5. Continue to walk deeper into the water while crying things like 'Oh that's cold' and 'brrrrr'.

6. Finally after 10 minutes you have gotten to the point where the water is just below your knees and you can relax. At this point usually one of three things happen(in order of wetness) a. Your trousers fall down into the water soaking your jeans for the rest of the day. b. A large wave which has been lurking out to sea suddenly pounces and soaks you up to your waist or c. your paddling friend decides it would be a great hoot to push you into the water.

7. Once sufficiently wet you can clamber back out of the water, put your shoes on (never the socks because you forgot to bring a towel and your feet are still soaking) and squelch to the nearest pub thinking "well that's that for another year".

One other thing about paddling. Because its such a great pastime they actually have things called paddling pools. These are places where children can enjoy paddling safely away from tides and waves. Off course they are made of concrete, are as slippy as hell and have large jutting sides just right for splitting your head open on.



Here is a typical paddling pool. Note the bridge for increased running / slipping / falling.

Glossary

Being from Norn Iron I sometimes use slang and words that people might not understand. I also use statements and sayings that NOBODY understands - not even my friends! To help with this I have created this special GLOSSARY post to help normal people. I shall add to it as I go.

A:
Aunt(s): (noun) Predictive texting I send when referring to a horrible person. Nothing to do with female relatives.


B:
Bake: (noun) Face. Not to be confused with the verb about making cakes from flour or bombs from fertilizer.

Blocked: (Adj) A Norn Iron term for being very drunk. The rest of Ireland uses the term locked instead which is taken from the term lockin. That's when the pub locks all the doors after hours and continues to serve alcohol to anyone still inside. This is done so that the place looks to be closed should the local garda come to check. The only snag is that usually half the punters inside for the lockin are off duty garda!


H:
Happy Days: Norn Iron Expression, to indicate that you are content. Not to be confused with the 70' sitcom starring Arthur Fonzarelli.

M:
Millie (noun) Norn Iron, A female of lower worker class background, uncouth, common, slapper. Named after the linen mill workers of yester year. Now adays more likely to be unemployed with a several small brats in tow. A Norn Iron female chav.

N:
Night Link (noun) Late night buses laid on by Dublin transport at a premium rate to get drunk people quickly and quietly out of the city centre. Normally a good idea - except when the person travelling falls asleep and ends up 10 miles beyond their stop with no viable means back


P:
Piggin: (adj) To be extremely unclean, dirty. (spelling may be incorrect)
example: (mother speaking to son)"your bake is piggin - go and get it scrubbed now"

S:
Spide (Noun) Norn Iron speak. A lower working class male, tosser, wanker. Short for spiderman due to the common practise of having a tattoo of a spider's web on their neck. Most these days do not have this tattoo identification but they usually have a pencil moustache. A Norn Iron male Chav.